why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
