Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I could fuck to npr.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize