I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
