If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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