I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
