She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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