i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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