A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
