Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
