He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In other news, I just burned my penis
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My penis needs a shock collar
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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