Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
