I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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