I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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