Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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