saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
