I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
