Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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