I got chris browned last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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