Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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