Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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