I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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