One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
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you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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