We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
