sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize