Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
