i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
