Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
