Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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