There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
