they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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