Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
