I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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