That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
