Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
