i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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