I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
