Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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