Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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