I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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