I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
