i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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