I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
