I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
