You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
