ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
