I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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