Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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