i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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