I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
