Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
