I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
