I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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