I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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