The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
